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this crazy cruel world

ma,
i miss you-- the whole you.
i've got the same issues right now.
yes, the same as before but i never heard your judgment. niether did you ever defend me from any of it.
with that i know that you know me.
and you know that i know myself well.
you made me trust myself
you made me trust my own judgment;
my decisions
you made me learn from my actions.
my experience taught me straight and i'll never regret that.
it's been the same.
i guess it will always be the same until the end.
people will always have something to say.
something you never thought they could
even those people you treated so well.
those people you showed the whole you
but i guess they didn't notice
the ones you thought knew you so well even if the world will twist the truth.
it is hard, heavy and tiring.
it will always be hard. 
but i think this time is harder than before.
not that it's hard because i don't know myself anymore.. because i know that i know myself well.
this time is difficult than before because nobody believes me with what i do.
nobody makes me feel i can be myself without minding what they are thinking.
it's way more difficult because you're not around.
because nobody trusts me-- that i can handle myself well.
that i can manage what's happening in my own life.
you know well that i don't and will never conform. .
i don't conform with the norms.
i have my own world and nobody crosses the line.
and if there'll be some, others would strike hard to them.
i don't care like always.
but it gives me a pinch in my heart. .
a feeling that i don't wanna be felt ever by anyone.
it strikes so hard.
yes, it pains me.
this world hurts
people here do.
they will always look at your flaws
or they will make you look like you have that certain flaw.
they will make you see yourself with doubt.
because you don't do or follow the trend
they will label you
but anyways, that's what has been foretold.
this world will judge you,
it will crush you...
it's up to you if you stand back up.
i just hope you were still here to silently back me up.
that i will believe in myself again.
to help me believe my capacity
to remind me i can.
to tell me not to mind them all because i know what i should do
because you know i will always choose the good and be good until the end.
i just hope. .
i hope you were here because life gets me tired,
people makes me exhausted.
and i think only your presence can take this away.
because you're the only one who trusted me.
not because you told me BUT because you made me feel like you really do
yes, without saying anything.
i know this world is cruel...
and i am where i am right now because this world is.

yes ma, i won't do anything as usual. i will always remain passive and let them find their own answers. it may be hard for me but i will deal with it like how you taught me. their answers will slap them hard right through.
that's why i miss you so bad because i think i'm losing those good memories i saved with you... i've been drowning in this chaotic devilish world. subtracted with unconditional love. i dunno if i've become cruel and wicked that i have to be in here until now.

from your grown up baby with too much baggage on telling you she misses you so damn crazy.

#yearning
#missing
#real
#honest
#mom
#cruel
#world
#tired
#exhausted
#trust
#distrust
#believe
#self
#gone
#nobody
#alone
#baggage
#backmeupplease
#crazy
1800-08042019

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